last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
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You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
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It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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