Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
two words: eviction party
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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