So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
