Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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