I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
