so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
