I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
