i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
