and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
