I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
