You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
