Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.