doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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