She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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