we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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