Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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