i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
