I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
