I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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