so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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