His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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