Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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