they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
