sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
