I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
