Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
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I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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