Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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