so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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