I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
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I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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