Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
