i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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