Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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