nut hugger
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
