While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
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you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
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Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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