I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
