Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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