Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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