I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
