i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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