I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
