God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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