This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Banned from zoo.
Again?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
