I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
