You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
