when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
