This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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