Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
