No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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