i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
