you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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