Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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