She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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