My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
