mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
