shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
