Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
