I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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